I Had to Fire Greg Because He Looks Like Krampus, the Christmas Demon

Hey. We all loved Greg. He was one of the most dedicated employees this company ever had. The guy was the backbone of our office and a dear friend, but he seriously looked like Krampus, the hellborn holiday beast-demon. So I had to let him go. 

Look. Guys. I know Greg didn’t ask to be born with cloven hooves and the facial structure of death itself, but I honestly had no choice here. We were getting calls from our clients telling us they had seen a nightmarish, goat-like creature lurking around our building. I told them, “Nope. That’s not Krampus. That’s just Greg.” But most of them still believe Greg to be the unholy incarnation of Germanic holiday folklore.  

I guess Greg just has one of those faces – one of those faces you could totally imagine chasing people through the streets and dragging them off to hell in a wicker basket. It’s the type of face you’d expect to see feasting on a Unicorn carcass or vomiting on sunshine. Honestly, if I didn’t know Greg, I too would assume he spends his holiday season carrying out the will of Satan. His face just gives off that prince-of-darkness vibe.

Sure. In the beginning, we were all a little creeped out by the gnarled antlers protruding from his forehead. And his three-foot long tongue. And the demented way he hobbled about the office after his back surgery. It all added up to a soul-killing cringe-fest of a human being, but we eventually got used to him. We started seeing him for more than just a twisted, hideous goat-person that haunts the dreams of children. We learned to look past his knotted, wiry dreadlocks and see the man behind the monster. After a while, we just saw Greg.

Of course, it didn’t help that his voice had the bellowing resonance of eternal suffering and fear. The sound of it was enough to make your eardrums kill themselves. Seriously, hearing Greg speak was like stepping into the voice box of Lucifer himself and being enveloped by pure evil. But other than that, Greg was a stand up guy and he will always be missed.

For those of you worried about Greg, I’m sure he’ll land on his hooves. There’s got to be a company out there willing to employ someone who looks like the pagan offspring of hatred and pain. Perhaps he has a future as a Krampus impersonator during the Christmas season. Or maybe he can get work at a haunted house somewhere. Either way, the sky is the limit for that faun-like freak show and I wish him the best. I’ll be sending around a goodbye card later for you all to sign. It would really mean a lot to him. Thank you all so much for being understanding. 


Dan Colburn is just your average advertising sell-out desperately trying to prove to himself that he can write real stuff too.