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What to Expect When You're Expecting the Son of God

Congratulations! You’re having a baby! And not just any baby! You’re having the Son of God! By now you’re probably feeling the ‘special glow’ of pregnancy - which for you involves actual, glowing light radiating from the messiah gestating inside of you. But before that little bundle of judgment comes into the world, you’ll want to look over these helpful tips to get you from Immaculate Conception all the way to Nativity Scene.

1. Are you certain it’s God’s?

The only way to know for sure is to purchase the e.p.t. Divinity-grade pregnancy test available at CVS stores nationwide. A negative test is indicated by a “minus” symbol. Whereas a positive test will summon the Angel Gabriel to deliver a message from the Almighty Himself. 

2. Find an OB-GYN you and God can trust.

Schedule a ‘get-to-know-ya’ meeting with an obstetrician to ask them questions like: What’s your birth philosophy? At what point do you induce labor? How many Wise Men are allowed in the delivery room? What’s your cesarean rate? What’s the hospital’s frankincense and myrrh policy? Etc.

3. Getting maternity leave.  

God only knows what mothers do without maternity leave, so he’ll be a good resource to look toward in the event your job doesn’t offer paid time off. While many employers still don’t give new parents adequate leave, most are persuaded otherwise by the prospect of an eternity in hell.

4. Know the warning signs of labor.

Do you feel painful cramps? Does the Star of Bethlehem look particularly bright? These are usually just false alarms, but it’s always good to call your doctor just to be sure.

5. Make a game plan.

Due to poor preparation and her husband’s refusal to ask for directions, previous mothers to the Son of God have been forced to give birth on the floor of disease-ridden barns. You don’t want this to happen to you. Trust me. When the due date approaches, sit down with God and plan out various routes to the hospital. If worst comes to worst and you’re forced to seek shelter at an Inn, consider taking refuge at the Holiday Inn. They offer free Wifi and only in the most extreme cases do they repurpose barns as alternative accommodation for overbooked guests.

Visit to purchase the unabridged version for just $29.99 plus shipping and handling. And remember: For us, getting pregnant may have required a miracle. But getting through it doesn’t have to.

Dan Colburn is just your average advertising sell-out desperately trying to prove to himself that he can write real stuff too.