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it happened before words came
to tell me how to feel about it
newly connected neurons torn apart
or perverted— 
forever firing blanks into the microbiological air
reconnected in fits of panic, seizures, colds
sickness tells the story
I have no words for
sickness is the legacy
he leaves me


there are beautiful blue eyes
and tight blonde curls
on this miss piggy doll
she feels like a girl
and I put her places she shouldn't go

I freeze when I hold her there
tell her I’m sorry and bring her back up
that it will never happen again

but I wonder, 
as I surrender to the stifling black of sleep
exactly how I know how to do this


in my dreams he is a hand
a spider crawling across the floor toward me
cocking his head at hellish angles
but his eyes never leave mine
I know he sees what I don't want him to
in the pulsating dark of his apartment


things I can never
take back
lessons that remain
forgiveness from the world is
than forgiving myself
a choice made
to not spread the sickness
a path the universe denied
a way I was saved
a duty to keep