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Kolleen Carney

We here at Drunk Monkeys read a lot of submissions that are about boning. Or penises. Or big, heaving breasts. I know you know this because I have written about it before. I have begged you not to send us these things, but y’all can’t stop writing about cock. Lust is your vice; patience is my virtue (sometimes).

We came up with the idea for this special edition because of you horndogs. It was our gift to you: an outlet, a way to channel your Fifty Shades-iest stuff without judgement. Generosity is my virtue. And, obviously, humility. Your vice is insistence.

When I pitched the idea, I was essentially asking for it; I assumed I would get a lot of smut, something that is very hard to pull off successfully. And, I mean, we did get a lot of smut, but it was good. Everything was fantastic. The selections we are featuring for you this month are the cream of the crop, and they run the gamut from sex to drugs to desire to love to hate to rage to happiness to fear. Everything we could have possible asked for, you gave us. And now gratitude is my virtue, and this issue here is yours—savor it, and your vice can be avarice.

(P.S. no  more smut please.)