Your SEO optimized title

DRUNK MONKEYS IS A Literary Magazine and Film Blog founded in 2011 featuring short stories, flash fiction, poetry, film articles, movie reviews, and more

Editor-in-chief KOLLEEN CARNEY-HOEPFNEr

managing editor

chris pruitt

founding editor matthew guerrero

FICTION / The Browne Transcript | Bradley Sides

(DOOR SLAMS AGAINST FRAME)

Jonathan Browne: Come on, man! I brought my jar.

Detective Murphy: My apologies. Been telling maintenance to tighten the plate for months. Busy, I guess.

Jonathan Browne: (HUFF)

Detective Murphy: Jonathan Browne?

Jonathan Browne: Technically, I guess.

Detective Murphy: Technically?

Jonathan Browne: Birth certificate name is Jonathan Elijah Browne. Everybody calls me Eli. Have since I was a boy.

Detective Murphy: Okay. I’ll stick with Mr. Browne if it’s the same with you.

Jonathan Browne: Doesn’t matter what you call me.

Detective Murphy: I’m Detective Thomas Murphy. Do you understand why you’re here, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: I suppose.

Detective Murphy: It’s not really an “I suppose” kind of question. Do you or do you not?

Jonathan Browne: I brought myself down here, didn’t I?

(CHAIR SCRAPES AGAINST FLOOR AND CUSHION EXHALES)

Detective Murphy: (GRUNT)

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: You know you may ask for an attorney at any point in the questioning if you feel as if you need one?

Jonathan Browne: I don’t.

Detective Murphy: If you change—

Jonathan Browne: I won’t change my mind.

Detective Murphy: Okay. Do you need anything before we get started? Water? Coffee?

Jonathan Browne: Other than for people to start listening to me, no.

Detective Murphy: I don’t think I can help you much with that.

Jonathan Browne: Guess not.

Detective Murphy: Would you like it if I could?

Jonathan Browne: It would certainly be for the best for most everybody. Are you a man of faith?

Detective Murphy: I don’t see why that matters, Mr. Browne.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: Are you?

Detective Murphy: In what?

Jonathan Browne: Whatever you want. Whoever.

Detective Murphy: I’d say so. Yes.

Jonathan Browne: Good.

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: I see. 

Jonathan Browne: Can we begin?

Detective Murphy: So that’s them, huh?

Jonathan Browne: Why else would I carry a glass jar around?

Detective Murphy: The moths don’t seem very special to me.

(GLASS SCRAPES AGAINST TABLE)

Jonathan Browne: I don’t think something has to look special for it to be special, man of faith.

Detective Murphy: (GRUNT) They look old. All three of them. Got tattered wings and something on them. Dust? Dirt?

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: What is that you’ve gotten in there with them? A rotten apple or something?

Jonathan Browne: Can we begin?

Detective Murphy: I guess we better.

(GLASS SCRAPES AGAINST TABLE)

Detective Murphy: (GRUNT) Where were you last night, the night of August 17th, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: Same place I am every night.

Detective Murphy: Mr. Browne, your tone. I’d suggest you rethink—

Jonathan Browne: Fine. I’m just a little agitated.

Detective Murphy: I understand. A man in your situation with your family gone—

Jonathan Browne: They are not gone. I’m agitated because no one will listen to me.

Detective Murphy: Mr. Browne, I’m listening, so let’s try again. Where were you on the night of August 17th?

Jonathan Browne: Same place I am every night. At home.

Detective Murphy: At home? And what were you doing at home?

Jonathan Browne: Sitting in my rocker staring at the TV, watching Billygoat Lewis defend his title from that new kid.

Detective Murphy: I see—

Jonathan Browne: Flex Money.

Detective Murphy: (GRUNT)

Jonathan Browne: Flex Money is the new kid. Was supposed to be the next big thing in the wrestling world. That’s what everybody wants at least, but I hate him. Cocky and wears too much lipstick. Can’t stand those orange trunks he wears either. Too pretty. Looks like a movie star instead of a wrestler.

Detective Murphy: Back to the question. What were you doing other than watching TV? Who were you with, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: With?

Detective Murphy: At home. Who were you with at home?

Jonathan Browne: Myself mainly.

Detective Murphy: Mainly?

Jonathan Browne: I was by myself in the living room. My family doesn’t much care for wrestling.

Detective Murphy: Oh.

Jonathan Browne: They say it’s a “bunch of fake crap.”

Detective Murphy: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Jonathan Browne: They were home, though. Back in their own rooms, on their stupid little phones, I’m sure. Like always. Tweetering and all that. You know, nothing involving “fake crap.”

Detective Murphy: Go on.

Jonathan Browne: With what?

Detective Murphy: Who were you with?

Jonathan Browne: My family. My wife, daughter, and son. I named him after Billygoat. He doesn’t like me to tell that, but it’s the truth. I asked his mama if we had a boy if—

Detective Murphy: Mr. Browne, you do realize your entire family is missing, correct? And you are a suspect—

Jonathan Browne: They aren’t missing. I’m looking right at them.

Detective Murphy: You are looking at a jar of moths! (CLEARS THROAT)

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: You are looking at a jar of moths, Mr. Browne, and you are telling me about a wrestler you seem to be a fan of. I want to know where your family is, and I want to know if you are the one who can point me in the direction of their location.

Jonathan Browne: I was asked to come down here, and it’s because of the free audience to which I can tell the truth—even if that audience is only one person— that I’m here. Now, my family is fine, and they’ll still be doing fine once the fires come.

Detective Murphy: So, a fire’s coming now?

Jonathan Browne: Not now now. But soon.

Detective Murphy: What?

Jonathan Browne: A fire is not coming now. It’s coming at the rise of the morning two days from now.

Detective Murphy: So, a fire is coming? And it’s coming not tomorrow morning, but the next morning?

Jonathan Browne: Yep. 

Detective Murphy: You are causing me a lot of frustration right now, Mr. Browne.

Jonathan Browne: It’s not me you should be frustrated by. I’m trying to help save the ones we can. There’s going to be a lot of folks go “missing” tonight. Tomorrow’s the full moon. The big one.

(HAND SLAPS TABLE)

Jonathan Browne: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) You break my jar, and I’m going to be answering some different questions, Detective Murphy, and I’m afraid you won’t be the one doing the asking.

Detective Murphy: Are you threatening me, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: Don’t break my jar.

Detective Murphy: Back to the night.

Jonathan Browne: Huh?

Detective Murphy: Back. To. Last. Night. Mr. Browne, you are just blabbing a lot of mumbo jumbo. Back to last night.

Jonathan Browne: What about it?

Detective Murphy: You were watching wrestling at your home. Your family members were in their own respective rooms. What else?

Jonathan Browne: There’s not much else to say. Not really. I knew it was coming. Been having the dream for the past week. A dream as real as life. I just didn’t know exactly when the whole moth thing was happening. I mean, I knew it would be soon because the 20th is it for a lot of us. The morning of the 20th, like I said.

Detective Murphy: But what else did you do that night, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: I tried to spend all the time I could with them—all of them. Even called out of my mail route all week, but my family—they didn’t believe a word I said. Doubters. (UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Detective Murphy: I’m sorry, but what?

Jonathan Browne: Look. It’s pretty simple. I watched Billygoat’s interview after the match, and as soon as it was over, I turned off the TV and went to tell my kids goodnight. Bill first because he’s not usually too difficult. He’s still young, you know? World hasn’t gotten to him yet. Not too bad at least.

Detective Murphy: Go on.

Jonathan Browne: I’m trying to.

Detective Murphy: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Jonathan Browne: I opened his bedroom door, and everything was in place just like he was in there. Overhead light was off, but the fan was going. Phone on his pillow. Some kind of racket coming from his headphones. Weird, head-banging kind of music. I don’t know where he got that taste from. Sure wasn’t me. Loud. Screamo mess—

Detective Murphy: I don’t care about the music.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: The indention was still there…

Detective Murphy: What?

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: It must’ve just happened. I could see where his head had been on his pillow. Even touched the little, shallow hole there, and it was warm. The whole room was warm, but I still got chills when I saw that pillow.

Detective Murphy: So you’re telling me your son vanished while in his room? Was there any sign of an intruder or was anything—

Jonathan Browne: He didn’t vanish. He transformed.

Detective Murphy: Into a moth?

Jonathan Browne: Yes, he transformed into a moth.

Detective Murphy: Were you upset about anything going on at home or at work? Anything your son might’ve said to you? Your daughter? Wife? A boss?

Jonathan Browne: I didn’t hurt my family. I’m saving them.

Detective Murphy: Your moth family?

Jonathan Browne: Yes.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely—

Detective Murphy: Stop! Stop! What are you talking about?

Jonathan Browne: The dream. It’s the words.

Detective Murphy: That’s what your dream told you over and over again, and you have concocted a whole story about moth transformations and a burning world?

Jonathan Browne: I see the other stuff. It’s clear. I’m telling you.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: Are you a man of faith, Detective Murphy?

Detective Murphy: What?

Jonathan Browne: Are you a man of faith?

Detective Murphy: You’ve already asked me that. Yes. Yes, I am.

Jonathan Browne: Good. So you believe?

Detective Murphy: In what?

Jonathan Browne: In whatever? In—

(HAND SLAPS TABLE)

Jonathan Browne: My jar, Detective Murphy.

Detective Murphy: Back to the night! Back to last night!

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: Where, Mr. Browne, did you find this moth son of yours after Bill allegedly vanished from his bedroom?

Jonathan Browne: He didn’t vanish from his bedroom. He was still there.

Detective Murphy: Where?

Jonathan Browne: He was fluttering against his lamp. Light was on, and he was there, wings flapping. He knows to go to the light. It’s built into them. These moths. They know. That’s why they are becoming moths.

Detective Murphy: So, after you turned off your wrestling program, you went into your son’s room, and he, as a moth, was flapping against a lightbulb?

Jonathan Browne: Yes.

Detective Murphy: This is ridiculous. (CHAIR SCRAPES AGAINST FLOOR)

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: What did you do once you saw him?

Jonathan Browne: I had a jar ready, with holes poked in the lid. Even had a piece of a nectarine in the bottom. Nectarine, not an apple. A tiny bit of honeysuckle. A couple of sticks for him—them—to rest on.

Detective Murphy: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Jonathan Browne: I softly pinched the edge of his wings, and I put him in the jar. Screwed on the lid. Went to catch my daughter and wife.

Detective Murphy: And they were moths, too, I guess?

Jonathan Browne: Yep.

Detective Murphy: In their rooms? Fluttering around?

Jonathan Browne: Yep. Daughter was perched on one of those little strings that drops down from her overhead light. Don’t know what you call those things. Wife was tapping against the window above our bed. Trying, already, to get on out of here. Headed toward the moon.

Detective Murphy: Mr. Browne, was there anything going on at home that had you upset? Was your family upset? Your kids fighting with you? Your wife say something? Do something? Anything—

Jonathan Browne: I didn’t hurt my family.

Detective Murphy: Do you have reason to believe someone else could’ve been upset with your family?

Jonathan Browne: No. No one is upset with my family, and no one has hurt my family.

Detective Murphy: This is insane.

Jonathan Browne: You’ve made that opinion very clear. 

Detective Murphy: Well, it is.

Jonathan Browne: In the dream, they are safe. I’m telling you. They are. I can see them flying, escaping. Landing on the moon’s surface. Starting over in a better place.

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: As humans or moths?

Jonathan Browne: Both and neither.

Detective Murphy: What?

Jonathan Browne: It’s hard to explain. I don’t know. I can just see their eyes. They are happy. They just are. Being better than we are now.

Detective Murphy: What does that even mean, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: I think it’s a punishment.

Detective Murphy: What is?

Jonathan Browne: This.

Detective Murphy: For what?

Jonathan Browne: Us.

Detective Murphy: So, you are a bad man?

Jonathan Browne: Not particularly. No.

Detective Murphy: Then why aren’t you one of these moths? Escaping and going on to an alleged better place. Partaking in all the coming lollipops and rainbows.

Jonathan Browne: Not for me to say.

Detective Murphy: What?

Jonathan Browne: It’s not for me to say why I’m not one of the chosen. My role is to get the others to safety, and I’m trying the best I can to do so.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: Always thought of myself as a faithful man. Trying to prove it. Live it, I guess you could say.

Detective Murphy: Makes two of us, then, right?

Jonathan Browne: We’ll see.

(PAUSE)

Detective Murphy: Back to last night, Mr. Browne. So, you caught your family of moths, and you did what?

Jonathan Browne: I put them on my nightstand, and I went to sleep.

Detective Murphy: Let me get this straight. You were able to sleep after your family allegedly transformed into moths?

Jonathan Browne: Yes. Quite peacefully actually.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: The dream came again, like I knew it would.

(PAUSE)

Jonathan Browne: I’ve been writing to the paper, Detective Murphy. Been making videos. Been shouting about it at the dollar store. The bank. Cheapies when I go to get milk. Telling everyone to get ready. Those of us left behind will have to keep the others safe. It’ll be up to us to make sure that our loved ones get to their new home.

Detective Murphy: I see.

Jonathan Browne: You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home.

Detective Murphy: Yes, yes. You’ve said that. How long have you been writing to the paper? Making the videos and carrying on?

Jonathan Browne: Since I woke up from my first dream. About a week ago, like I said. I’m sure people have called the station. They won’t listen to what I’m trying to tell them.

Detective Murphy: I wonder why?

Jonathan Browne: Huh?

Detective Murphy: You’ve been planning this then?

Jonathan Browne: No, I wouldn’t say “planning.”

Detective Murphy: Several of your neighbors have been very concerned, Mr. Browne. You know that, correct?

Jonathan Browne: I can’t say I blame them. The end is concerning.

Detective Murphy: Did you hurt your family, Mr. Browne?

Jonathan Browne: No. I’ve saved them, Detective Murphy.

Detective Murphy: Let me try to make sure I understand everything you’ve told me. You’ve been having dreams for a week, right? Weird dreams about a fire coming and part of the human population transforming into moths so they can naturally float on up to the moon and escape humanity’s flaming disintegration?

Jonathan Browne: Well, yes, but that’s what I’m trying to tell people about. Overnight—tonight—the rest of the transformations will occur worldwide. Those of us left behind will have to protect our loved ones until the moon glows tomorrow night. If we just let them go now, there are too many clouds. They’ll wind up zapped in bug fryers—

Detective Murphy: (LAUGHING) In bug fryers—

Jonathan Browne: Lost, and everything else. It’s tomorrow night when we’ll release them, and they’ll go. It’ll be beautiful. I’m telling you. It is in my dream. It is. The whole thing.

Detective Murphy: The next morning fire will destroy the remaining population?

Jonathan Browne: Yes. On the morning of the 20th.

Detective Murphy: You’ll be destroyed?

Jonathan Browne: Yes.

Detective Murphy: Why you, Mr. Browne? Of all the humans in the entirety of this world, why would someone like you be chosen to deliver this message? A man who—

Jonathan Browne: Because why would anybody listen to a man like me?

Detective Murphy: Exactly. That’s my question?

Jonathan Browne: Are you a man of faith, Detective Murphy?

Detective Murphy: Stop asking me that! Stop it! (HAND SLAPS TABLE)

(KNOCK)

Detective Mullins: Tom?

Detective Murphy: (HEAVY BREATHING) Yeah.

Detective Mullins: You might want to hurry it along.

Detective Murphy: I’m busy, Debbie.

Detective Mullins: Now, Tom.

Detective Murphy: Why?

Jonathan Browne: You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them—

Detective Murphy: Will you shut up, man? Please! (HAND SLAPS TABLE)

Detective Mullins: We are getting calls, Tom.

Detective Murphy: Calls?

Detective Mullins: I think you’ll want to check them out.

Jonathan Browne: Are you a faithful man, Detective Murphy? A believer?

Detective Murphy: Shut up! Shut up!

(CHAIR SCRAPES AGAINST FLOOR)

Detective Mullins: Go home, Mr. Browne. We’ll have to continue our questioning later. 

Jonathan Browne: You shall take them and shall protect them—

Detective Murphy: I’ll find out what you did with them! If it’s the last thing I do, I will! (UNINTELLIGIBLE)

Jonathan Browne: You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them until it is time for them to go safely on home. You shall take them and shall protect them—

(DOOR SLAMS AGAINST FRAME)


Bradley Sides is the author of Those Fantastic Lives: And Other Strange Stories. His recent fiction appears in BULL, Ghost Parachute, Psychopomp, and Superstition Review. He holds an MFA from Queens University of Charlotte. He lives with his wife in Huntsville, Alabama, where, on most days, he can be found teaching writing at Calhoun Community College.

POETRY / Tippi Hedren Series / Shari Caplan

FICTION / Physics / Avery Gregurich

0