JANUARY
Jan 31: Paula Abdul announces that she will not renew her contract on a television program called The X Factor. Apparently, The X Factor is on the Fox Network. Apparently, it is also a television program.
FEBRUARY
Feb 8: CNN suspends commentator Roland S. Martin after he posts homophobic messages on his Twitter and Facebook pages the night of the Super Bowl. Martin later vows vengeance on “that bunch of pussies”, but never follows through. Coincidentally, during that same Super Bowl halftime show headlined by Madonna, guest singer M.I.A. appears to deliver a curse word and obscene gesture that escapes the reach of NBC censors. The network and the NFL (the event’s producer) both issue apologies afterward for the incident. Madonna later apologizes for being such a bad actress.
Feb 29: Leap Year. Molly Solomon named executive producer for Golf Channel, becoming the first woman to hold such a position on a national TV sports network. Millions mark event down for later use in Trivial Pursuit games.
MARCH
Mar 30: Current TV announces firing of Keith Olbermann. Pinko-liberals everywhere begin filling giant urn with their own tears in grand, obscene ritual.
APRIL
Apr 3: Arab Spring continues on ABC, NBC, and CBS. Fox pre-empts with a moving episode of Glee.
MAY
May 2: Lifetime and sister channels Lifetime Movie Network and Lifetime Real Women rebrand with new logos and slogans in vain attempt to appear relevant.
May 14: After what FEELS like 10 seasons on the air, Fox confirms that Demi Lovato and Britney Spears will join the judges’ panel of The X Factor for the show’s second season in the fall. In season 3 (which will feel like season 18), insiders are hinting that Lovato and Spears will have themselves surgically conjoined at the brain, forming a full 1/3-brain in the process. They will also change their name collectively to “Monstro-tron The Destroyer”.
May 23: Phillip Phillips wins the 11th season of American Idol, proving that no matter how many times they named him ‘Phillip’, he wasn’t gonna be kept down.
JUNE
Jun 4: Allegedly in response to an ad run during June 3 episode of AMC’s Mad Men asking customers to urge Dish Network to keep AMC Networks’ channels on the satellite provider, Dish abruptly switches AMC and sibling channels WEtv and IFC to different channel positions with HDNet, Style and Indieplex filling their former channel positions. Shortly after, Dish Network moved the couch to the other side of the room, then moved it back saying, “That’s okay. Wait. Let’s move it over here now.”
JULY
Jul 2: Anderson Cooper comes out of the closet as a gay man, confirming years of rumors about his sexuality. Shortly after, he apologizes for Madonna being such a bad actress.
Jul 18: Actor/comedian Fred Willard fired by PBS immediately following his arrest on lewd conduct charges, surprising everyone with the fact that he was employed. Willard later apologizes for Madonna being such a bad actress.
Jul 27: Olympics in London. Thousands of condoms consumed in Olympic Village alone. Fred Willard nowhere to be seen.
AUGUST
Aug 6: Jason Vincent resigns as news director of Fox affiliate KQDS/Duluth amid controversy following a racially-offensive comment that he had posted August 1 on Facebook, regarding a Native American man whom he discovered in his yard that evening, and whom Vincent referred to in the post as a “drunk, homeless… animal”. Vincent later apologized for Madonna (you know the rest).
SEPTEMBER
Sep 2: One year after being shortened from 21½ to six hours, the MDA Labor Day Telethon is revamped again, paring down to three pre-recorded primetime hours and retitled MDA Show of Strength in an effort to move away from its 46-year heritage as a long-form telethon. Shortly after, the telethon was shortened to 140 or less characters.
OCTOBER
Oct 24: NBC’s crime drama Law & Order: Special Victims Unit airs its 300th episode. I have only seen two episodes. Do you think I can catch up on it easily? It’s not like LOST, is it?
NOVEMBER
Nov 2: CBS affiliate WKBT/La Crosse, Wisconsin makes headlines when morning news anchor Jennifer Livingston responds to e-mail sent by viewer about her hideous weight problem. But she has a pretty face, so she pulls an Adele, just like the lady on that show who used to be a supermodel but then she died and was reincarnated in the body of a fat chick, and calls the viewer out for making the statement. This is followed by an extended period of other people also calling the viewer a small-penised asshole and a shitmonster fucktard. Livingston later receives apology from the little fuckface for the insensitive message.
DECEMBER
Dec 2: Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane announces guest appearance on rival show The Simpsons. Just in time for Mayan Apocalypse.
Michael Patrick Duggan is a cartoonist, writer, and standup comedian. He has written and drawn comic books, essays, advice columns, and enjoys the adoration of possibly hundreds of people.