I've been worried about my hair lately
so I've started making smoothies most
mornings, and we got this blender that
is a "quiet" blender because I apparently
can't handle the harshness of this world.
anyway I'm making a peach smoothie
one morning and the blades of the blender
won't catch the ice at the bottom of the
pitcher, and so I try to take the pitcher out
but it unscrews and milk and shit leaks
everywhere. the first thing I do is get
mad at the cat, and then find a towel and
start mopping it up. I shake the pitcher
and try again. still no dice. no smoothie.
at this point I am beside myself furious
with the cat, and jamming a knife down
and in and out of the pitcher trying to
break up anything frozen and basically
performing the function of a blender
albeit not very well, but still somehow
better than the blender itself, so here we
are -- and at this point I'm starting to die
a little bit, but I don't really notice it
until after I finally get the blender to work,
but before I can have any of the smoothie
I'm dead. now the cat can jump up onto
the counter and drink the smoothie, but
I'm not mad about it (because I am dead
and because everyone who is dead is at
peace I am OK with it all. and st. peter
is there with a couple of administrators,
and st. peter welcomes me and I say Hi
and Thanks, and st. peter says "This isn't
the kind of place where we can just let
any schmuck in off the street" and I nod.
st. peter says "We need to make sure that
everyone is of the right temperament
before they go anywhere," and I nod.
st. peter says "Good, so long as you get it.
what's the angriest you've ever been
at a kitchen appliance?" and I feel myself
go cold and st. peter raises his eyebrows a
bit expectantly a bit mockingly as if to say
HMM? and the administrators start softly
to chuckle a bit and st. peter hushes them
"Shh! Shut up, shut up" and I look at them
and I shrug and st. peter says "Well let's
have a look at the tape then, shall we?" and
I shake my head No but he starts it up
regardless though to my relief it isn't the
blender episode, it's something from a
long time ago, my roommate's toaster oven
I was too stoned to figure out. it's all a great
relief until the tape ends and even st. peter
is laughing now, and he flips a little switch)
and so here I am as a baby set to do this
all over again which some folks would maybe
consider a gift but I'm pretty sad because
the cats and Leah and the smoothie are all
in a life somewhere else in the world and it will
take a while to find the words to find them, but
I might forget about all of that in the process of
finding the words.
Gregory Glenn is a writer and editor living in Salem, Massachusetts. He is poetry editor for Soundings East magazine.
