Photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash
The things I never said, I said them like a man.
Like a man I insist I never said those things.
And afterwards I will assert I never said the second thing,
layer on layer of vow, disavowal. And what I believe,
you shall believe; there is only one thought and it is me.
My pretty girls are with me, stroking their pretty hair anxiously.
But I have to go now and watch the shows – any show with me –
I must see me being seen many hours each day or will I
still exist? The camera is upon me and the camera
is the sun is the light is my mother’s face and I
I turn to you and say we agree, don’t we agree?
I want you to be happy, that’s what I’ll say.
Look at my cleverness and all the crowds who cheer for me!
But your thousand watt smile is so confusing; it’s not
the sun I wanted and you’re wrong, you’re mean –
And you’re not pretty either. You can’t play if you’re not pretty –
Emails and Islam and cyber, believe me –
(I say believe me and you must believe me)
I run around the playground screaming
knocking down the girls and screaming
throwing rocks at the smaller children and screaming
I paid no taxes and I built the shiny tower and still I’m not
happy I’m screaming but look at me with all this winning
everyone must know I’m winning
the sun will rise and rise and I its only world
but every morning I am empty I am unmoored I am spinning
the camera is the eye, all eyes must be on me, the
eye is my mother, my mother is the sun
the sun is not upon me there is no light, I am screaming
bring back the sun.
There is no lack like the lack of her.
But I’m winning. So much winning. Look at me. I’ve won.
Jeanne Obbard works in clinical trial management and will watch any scifi show, no matter how bad. Her work has appeared in American Poetry Review, Atlanta Review, Barrow Street, Cider Press Review, and The Rumpus. She can be found on the web at jeanneobbard.com.
