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Reginald Tuxford, Patriot: Real American Football as told to Lawrence Von Haelstrom

As evidenced by the firing of Hank Williams Jr from Monday Night Football and the unmitigated trampling of his First Amendment rights, it has become quite apparent that the NFL has moved dangerously far to the left. In the NFL, just as in our country, one can have his liberties forsaken only because he dares to disagree with the powers that be.

In that light, it is easy to see that we are on the verge of losing our football to un-American ideals. Therefore it is time to start a new football league, a football league for those of us that value the fundamental rights of our great, God-blessed nation–a Real American Football League.

This league will represent true American values from its organization down to the rules on the field. I propose a football league with these fundamentals:

The National Anthem will be televised

We will make sure that all television partners show our National Anthem before each game.

High School Draft

Players will be eligible for the draft after graduating high school and before they have been indoctrinated by the liberal universities.

New American value rules

A team that scores a touchdown will retain possession of the ball. Why should we reward a team’s failure by giving that team the ball? Possession of the ball must be earned, not simply given away out of some communist idea of “fairness.” How is it fair to take the ball away from a successful team?

No field goals

Success must be earned and it must be complete. The goal of football is to score touchdowns. Why should we reward a team that simply gets near its goal? There will be no consolation three points for “trying hard.”

Teams will be in real American cities

We do not need the approval of the liberal elites in New York or the “entertainment” moguls in Los Angeles for our league to survive. We will have teams only in hard-working, American cities from the real America. No Beltway insiders in Washington, D.C., no union-thugs/Obama-cronies in Chicago, no Ivy Leaguers in Boston, no “alternative-lifestyle” lovers in San Francisco needed, just real Americans like you and me.

No “Politically Correct” team names

This league will be about football, not politics. Therefore team nicknames will not be limited to meaningless, PC, liberal-approved words. All teams in the Real American Football leagues will be named after proud, noble American animals, and/or Indians.

No doubt bringing this idea to realization will be a long, treacherous journey (but so was Moses’). The NFL and MSM will ridicule and try to quash our ideas and our liberties. But we real Americans are strong. As we gain momentum, Americans will understand that our football is the true American sport and will abandon the National Football League for the promised land of Real American Football.


Reginald Tuxford lives in Bugtown, Idaho with his prize-winning bloodhounds and and the world’s largest collection of nails, screws, and fasteners.

Lawrence Von Haelstrom is a former bull-roping champion and street magician currently residing in Los Angeles, California.