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I Got a Weather Balloon With Points! by Lawrence Von Haelstrom

Yes, I did! My two friends are going to be so psyched when I tell them about my weather balloon. I can see it now. They’ll just be sitting around in the break room. Then I’ll come in and they’ll start packing up their stuff like they always do, but this time I’ll surprise them. I’ll say something clever like, “Who has two thumbs and a weather balloon?” And they’ll both stop what they’re doing and say, “No way, bro!” My one friend will say “How could someone like you get something as awesome as a weather balloon.” And I’ll be all, “Oh, it’s nothing, I get cool stuff like that all the time with my Citibank points.” And then my other friend will say “You got a weather balloon with points?” And I’ll just say “Yes, I did,” and smile that knowing half-smile I’ve been working on.

My two friends have always had something else to do whenever I’ve asked them to hang out. Even that time I got my telescope, they just couldn’t make it. But this time I know they’re going to be asking me all the time about my weather balloon. They’ll not be able to stop talking about it. I’ll be in the break room and they’ll come in and they won’t just go sit by themselves. They’ll sit right next to me and just start asking me all these questions about my weather balloon. “What color is it?,” “How high can it go?,” “What kind of videocamera does it have?” I’ll just act all cool and say “Chill, guys. It’s just a weather balloon.” But they’ll keep talking about it and then I’ll finally have to laugh and say, “Alright, already. Why don’t you guys come launch it with me this weekend?” And they’ll be so excited, they’ll give me high fives. The whole rest of the week, when I see them in the hallways, they’ll give me a fist bump and say, “Weather balloon!”

And then we’ll go into the mountains in my SUV. And we’ll all be wearing these nice sweaters and knit hats, and I’ll be be blowing the weather balloon up and my one friend will be so excited, he’ll just say it again, “You got a weather balloon with points!” And I’ll just have to say “Yes, I did.”

And then we’ll all be sitting in the front seat of my SUV and I’ll have my laptop open and my friends will be pointing and giving directions. Then we’ll be walking through the woods and we’ll still be looking so awesome in those sweaters, and my one friend will point into a tree and say “There it is!”

And then we’ll watch the weather balloon video right there in the woods and we’ll all be so excited we won’t even be able to talk. We’ll just point at the video and say “Ahhhhh!” We’ll have so much fun.

This time I know I made the right choice with my points. It won’t go to waste like those other things I’ve gotten–that inflatable movie screen for the pool, those three matching Citibank polo shirts, those tickets for Pirates Dinner Adventure. No, this time I know I got it right. Me and my two friends will be hanging out all the time after this. Yes, I got a weather balloon with points. Yes, I did.

Lawrence Von Haelstrom‘s claims of being a bull-roping champion and street magician are under investigation. His only confirmed magic trick is a variation of “I Got Your Nose.”